So my first semester here is about to come to a close. I am DEFINITELY not a model midshipman. As Captain Plumb said "I'm in the half of the class that makes the top half possible." And not only that, but I'm having problems outside of class. I just can't wrap my head around some things asked of us.
Like next semester all the plebes have to take swimming. That's gonna be a little hard since I can't swim, and somewhere along the way I've developed this paralyzing fear of water. Yeah, I know. I joined the navy. Get over it. I've heard every joke you could imagine. I'm really getting tired of those jokes. It's a serious problem that is really starting to drag on me. I know its stupid as all get out, and that I'm going to fail, but AH. I freeze. And then I just can't. I don't know what's wrong.
The best way I can think of to describe what's going on in me right now is this. When you undergo military training part of what they do is rip you down so you meet with your personal rock bottom. They want you to bottom out in a safe situation so that your bottom moves and you'll handle more. But they don't tell you about the next phase. They claim to build you back up, but they don't. They leave it to you to build yourself up. Which is great, but when you've never been a person before, its hard. I'm sure its no easier for someone who enlists either, but please keep in mind that this is my personal experience. I'll admit, I wasn't a full fledged adult before. And I'm not now, but they're expecting me to behave and have all the knowledge I'd have if I was. It's not really a set up that allows us to succeed. Yet an overwhelming number of us do awesome. Which is a great big kudos to them! I know it's not impossible, but hell, I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't even know if I can do this. I'm just sort of stumbling along. Everything is so regimented that you never really have time for a mental breakdown. When we have our few breaks, then everything sets in. You really have no idea what's going on. There has been an irreparable divider driven between you and everything you've left behind. I'm really lucky in that my family is very military and so the divide isn't too bad for me, but it's still there.
I feel like I'm just a shell of a person going through the motions. Which is ridiculous because I'm so fortunate. I'm lucky as hell. I have what should be 4500 of my closest friends in the same building as me. But they honestly are kind of awful. I was appalled to see what the other midshipmen said to and about the cadets from west point, and vice versa. Yeah, the Army-Navy game is AWESOME and I love having that to hold over my boyfriend, but good grief. We all have the same end goal! We just go about it in very different ways. And the more you break down relationships, the better the rivalry is. Like almost all of us midshipmen have friends, very close friends, at west point, and of course vice versa. However, those same people are some of the vilest supporters of the awful side of the rivalry. Come on guys, we are all we have. Nobody else is going to get what we do better than those guys. Just stop. They'll be your best fricking friends if you'd just shut up and stop being a little baby!
Christmas, ah that sweet sweet light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing standing between me and the plane ride back to Germany are three finals. Great. I have a final the morning I fly out, and I'm not looking forward to that at all. It would be my luck that it's what will most definitely be the worst and yet most important test of the semester. Yay me... I can't wait to get back to Germany. I'm looking forward to seeing my family, my boyfriend, and that glorious country one more time with them all. After this everyone moves back to the United States, so if I go I gotta get myself there on my own time. That's gonna be a sad day. I love Germany so much. I'm really ridiculously excited to be going back. I can hear the markets! Smell the gluehwein! Smell the schuempfnuedel!
So chickadees, appreciate your family. Be good to everyone. And have a good rest of the semester (if anyone else is even still in session...)
