Stupidity?

Sometimes, I think that stupidity is a desirable trait now.  There are so many successful people that ACT so freaking stupid.  Just look around.  I can guarantee that if you sit outside for any length of time you'll see a stereotypical girl all done up to impress.  She'll have that characteristic little smirk and that walk where she wags her butt and sways her hips just because she can.  Sounds pretty good? Well just wait until she opens her mouth.  "So, like, Canadia and Canada aren't really the same place?" Yep... Greaaaatttt.  And it sucks when a normal(ish) girl has to try and compete with that.  They have attention, so they are naturally more likely to seem better.  More attention= more approval, right?
I hate that train of thought.  It is so narrow minded and stupid.  Just plain stupid and medieval. I wish that just sometimes, true goodness would win out.  I look at the people I'm competing with, and some of them are really horrible.  Yet they keep moving upward.  And I know for a fact, that some of the best, sweetest, most capable, and willing people are being pushed down to the bottom.  I've said in a previous post that I know I appear to be great.  I know that the people here don't think as much of me as I'm used to.  But thats okay.  Now I see how I come across.  Now I see that my appearance and actions don't assert power or respect.  Its simply because people before knew my story that they respected me.  I like that though.  Here, I'm learning how to move up and stay detached, which is quite important. 
As frustrating as it is to not get things I know I could have had, it makes it much more gratifying to get it after having to earn it a second time.  Especially when I get to push one of the bad hearted people out of the way, AND at the same time shake free of the oppresion of a bad leader.  Now I can get out of that rut I was in.  That wall has been broken down.  Now I need to get all my crap together and defend my new spot on the other side.  I'm going to wait until I get settled there, and then try and fight my way upward again. 
Now though, I need to focus on my shooting.  My shooting hasn't improved in the last week.  Which is bad.  Really bad.  I have multiple people nipping at my heels to take my position.  I won't make the mistake and assume that my position is secured.  I know it's not.  It never is.  I always have to work and make sure my shots stay right on.  ALWAYS.  If not, I know I'd let down at least two people.  The two most important people in the world.  That can't happen.  It just can't. 
I've babbled again, I'm sorry. XD But now for the lesson.  I guess it will be that you should never get to comfortable in your spot.  There will always be someone just sitting there waiting for you to fall, so that they can take your spot right out from under you.  Don't stop working.  If you're the underdog, keep on going and just wait for the person above you to falter.  If there is a chance for anyone to improve, take it.  If there is a chance to move up, take it.  If there is ever an incompetent leader and you have the chance to take their position, take it.
"Take a risk.
 Take a chance.
 Make a change.
 And breakaway!"~~~
   --Kelly Clarkson, "Breakaway"

Oh hai...

Woah, its been two months since I've returned to this little project of mine.  I'm sorry? But I guess it was because I haven't needed it.  Recently I've been going out with friends more,  been doing more, and just generally feeling better.  But then I crashed.  I got so freaking tired.  Just plain exhausted.  I guess even that is going away now.  Its almost time for me to get back to work, and thats okay.  I'm good with that now.  I know its fine.  I think that was kinda the problem. I was clueless for a while.  Ah, who am I kidding, its not like any of you know whats going on in my life.  You guys do, however, know what it is to just be tired.  Thats all.  Just tired. 

Since I'm done just babbling about things you're clueless on, I guess I'll tell you what's up.  I have been shooting more recently.  I start again next week.  We had a week off, Spring Break-WOOOO, but not really.  I would actually rather have been able to shoot that just sat at home.  Even though I got to sleep more.  Shooting is a lot funner now.  I've moved up a class, and I'm really proud of that.  I keep making careless mistakes though.  I really really really need to stop that if I want to move up again.  I always need to be getting better.  I think I am, but I need to do even better.  My instructor shows a lot of faith in me and has helped  me deal with the other instructor.  He even helped me get the position I was supposed to have gotten earlier this year but was denied for an invalid reason.  That made me really happy. 

In a couple weeks I have to go to an induction (its mine.  I'm joining a group) and its a semi-formal event.  My family is spazzing out about what they need to wear.  And they seem to forget that I don't have anything.  I have blue jeans, shooting gear, (horse) riding gear, uniforms, and ONE ball gown.  Thats all I have.  Nothing suitable.  They'll come through though.  I hope.  I mean they've only left me SOL a couple times XD.

During my time in the real world I have also had to deal with boys.  Oh so many boys.  I've pretty much stopped hanging around girls. Frankly, they're to hard to be friends with.  They (we? D: ) are so freaking picky and bitchy and catty.  The guys, they're just chill.  They beat each other, get it overwith, then go have a drink together.  That makes sense to me.  Let the person know whats going on in your head! Don't sit there and scheme and make everything harder than it has to be.  Which is what most of the girls I see do. Then of course they start telling me they're into me.  I feel bad, but no.  I'm not doing that.  That is one part of my life I'm not going to tell you guys about, but I will tell you that I'm not looking.  I'm not going to accept ANY advance right now.  So far, I'm on my third friend zone in three weeks.  One of these boys, he is actually a challenge.  He doesn't stop.  He doesn't push forward and irritate me though.  He slinks up behind my defenses and scares the crap out of me.  By the time I realize he is that close to me, I've got to spazz, do something stupid, and push him out to arms length again.  I was really quite glad that over spring break I wouldn't be able to see him.  Some time apart is good. 

Another one of my boys is busy chasing after his girl. (not me thank god).  He is so funny to see.  He knows the things to do, and is really sweet and pretty hot but has like no confidence with girls.  You put him in our ROTC unit, and he is good.  He oozes confidence and control.  He was dumped into a third year spot as a second year and took to it like a duck to water.  He is confident, except when it comes to girls.  Even around me, he sometimes breaks into those tendencies.  But I have managed to stop most of it.  He is more relaxed around me now than he was before.  Which I'm glad about.  I want to help my boys, not scare the crap out of them. XD (or screw them, or date them, or kiss them, or anything.  JUST help and be friends with)

Yet another one of my boys is recovering from a bad break up.  His ex-girl and I are actually pretty good friends.  One of the things that started getting to him though was our friendship.  She and I would run up and hug each other every morning and usually during lunch and after class most days.  She wouldn't let him hug her and just hold her like when we were all sitting around.  She'd wiggle away and claim she didn't like the contact, and then plop herself into my lap.  They ended up splitting, obviously, and things got weird.  He went (and still partially is) bonkers and was so freaking upset.  She just cried a while and felt guilty a bit and moved on.  To another boy.  When she claimed she couldn't handle another relationship.  My boy almost went completely apeshit at this.  But then her new squeeze moved.  A week after she said she liked him.  She said it Friday, by next Friday he wasn't even in this country anymore.  That's all that saved my boy from a meltdown/blowup.  Whichever you choose. 

About back home, I get to talk to my best friend everyday now. :) Somedays its only for two hours, some days its all day long.  Its okay though.  As long as I get to talk to her and know everything is okay back home it makes it a bit easier to work through the day here.  Another friend of ours started talking to me and was asking for something from here.  Which I'm okay with. I'll send her something, once I have money! XD I mean, she was a great friend when I was there and helped my best friend a whole hell of a lot after I left.  Which I appreciate so much.  It makes me happy to know that someone else will look out for her when I'm gone. :) I must sound like I died or something, but you guys should get what I'm saying.  I know my girl can look after herself, better than most for that matter, but it just makes me feel better knowing she isn't having to go it alone. 

I should wrap this up for now.  I'll probably wait until tomorrow to add to it.  But hey, thats okay.  I doubt much could get me worked up right now. Now watch, tomorrow I'm gonna be an emotional wreck... Just kinda in a neutral place for now.  My lesson for this post: Just let it go.  You can't change the past.  You can change the present and future, you can change the results of things, but you can't change what's already done.  Holding onto that and staying upset won't help anyone.  Let it go and move forward.  It helps.

I return to this, and I find this little blurb:
"I'm sitting here doing chemistry stuff and drinking my hot chocolate when I hear on a commercial, "My god I love you. Both of you take your clothes off." Said by a very gay sounding voice. And then something about fashion people. Do what.


Pockets of a teenager


day made by headbanging


electronica electronica techno pop pop electronica country pop techno METAL."
-2/4/12

I'd really love to know what was going on....

Numb time

I don't actually feel like catching up one what I haven't typed about. So deal. Because I know that there are so many people actually reading and caring about what I type about. Whatever. I just really don't care much right now.

I miss home, I don't feel great, I miss my friends and this isn't home. I'm grumpy and sore.  I don't know what I've learned. I have learned something recently, but I can't currently think of something.   My thoughts are jumbled and disorderly and insolent right now because they're grumpy. I keep thinking about how this semester for Chem lab I'm Ms. Cobalt, and that in my language final I've got to write a fifteen page research paper and ehhhh. I am thinking about how Ichigo and Rukia should shut up and make out. I'm thinking about how much I want to go home and be with my friends.

 Laundry can go suck it, I'm a terrible slob, and I just don't care about anything right now. I should care, but I don't. I know that no matter what happens everything will turn out all right. Things just work like that around me.  No matter how awful I do or how much I screw up, I always bounce right back. I'm not some great youth. I'm just lucky. I know that. I'm not the best and I'm not the worst. But, I always manage to seem extraordinary because of some outside circumstances that work in my favor. I totally screwed myself over this semester in chem lab, still came out of it with a 94. I've got a 4.2 GPA that I don't deserve. I'm lucky. That's all there is. I don't listen, I don't take notes,  and I don't do what I'm told.  I'm unruly, bull headed, lazy, and insolent, yet my instructors only say that I'm doing the absolute best and they don't know any way I could do better. They are blind.  It makes me so mad to be able to get away with these things. And yet, the couple times that they did catch me only made me get better at avoiding doing things right. 


And not to mention that I always end up being a matriarchal figure, and I'm told so.  WHY?! I'm (as I've said before) just this little loud mouth white chick that likes to look and listen.  I am a horrible meddler that sticks my nose into other people's business, yet people still come and ask me what to do. My meddling hasn't shown them anything?! I know no more than they do, yet I end up as a matriarch. I don't get it. It makes no sense. I try and make everyone happy, and then I end up so tired and grumpy. But people, all the people. I don't even know right now... 

Languages :)

By now it should be safe to assume that you guys have realized that I am an international person. Where I currently am (which is frankly none of your concern) is even more international than I am. Its really quite an interesting place. I walk through the store, which is English speaking for the most part, and I listen. I hear so many things. I hear various Afrikaan dialects, Spanish, French, German, Korean, Italian, Swedish, Russian, Japanese, Turkish, and one of my favorites, Romanian. They are so, for lack of better terminology, cool to listen to. Each has its own personality. They might sound similar to another, but they are just like a category of person. These are purely my opinion, but here goes.
Russian sounds so angry and powerful.

Afrikaans is free and happy.

Korean is tiny and rushed, oh so rushed.

Italian is fat, jolly, and full.

Spanish is dramatic, yet bright and colorful.

French is dark and mysterious.

German is rough and coarse, yet dignified.

Swedish is meek and jerky. (like stop and start stop and start, not like the person)

Japanese is light and airy.

Turkish is warm, homey, and sweet.

Romanian, its special to me, so it sounds regal and like ancient power.

After I sat and thought about this, I figured I should try and describe what English sounds like, but I can't. I just can't come up with a description that I like for English. English is my home language, so its so familiar I can't describe it beyond that, familiar and warm. When I start speaking German, it feels different on my tongue than English does. When I speak Spanish, it feels different on my tongue than English. When I speak Italian, it feels different on my tongue than when I speak English. Heck, Hindi feels different than English. And I've been hearing Hindi all my life as well.

Now on to recent events. More packing for my trip coming up. I've got a big duffle bag sitting along my bookcase taking up all the dang room on my floor because I've gotta get this stuff together and keep it together. Well at least it will be worth it in time.

I'm gonna finish this up and go to bed soon. Alright, this lesson, lists do help, no matter how nerdy they seem. They are a tool, nothing more. You don't think that you're to cool to use a screwdriver, right? So why be too cool to use a list?

I maded a something :D

I think my brain is numb. I don't even know. I did get into a crafty mood though and make a pretty thing. :) Its mostly words, but words are what I'm best at. Not that you could tell from here, but trust me, my visual art skills are worse than my literary art skills. I'm not an art person, AT ALL.

Today I was finally trusted with the key, freaking thanks. I have to live here over a year and get locked out however many times before I'm finally trusted with the key.  Geee thanks guys. And its not like I'm ten or anything, just remember that, please? Its much better to do homework on a couch or even on carpet than in a stone stairwell. Especially in northern Europe in Winter. It sucks. 


Now, today I had to go do part of the shopping for this outdoor ed trip I'm taking early next month. I needed noncotton pants because when you're out in thick snow, the worst thing to wear is cotton. It gets wet, stays wet, gets cold, and lowers your body temperature. I am a short bitty girl, (read: Little white chick)  so finding pants that are short enough for me in the legs and yet still give me enough room for my thighs is hard.  (I run and used to ride horses so I'm kinda big around the thighs.)  I was walking around the store and we were looking for pants for my brother. I turn and see some pants that look to be about my length. I pick them up and start looking. I get an idea. I went and tried them on, turns out they were actually too big! So I went a size down and BAM. Got the pants for my trip. They were identical to the womens, only twenty dollars less, didn't have a giant butt that I can't fill, fit my legs, and it made me realize that I can fit almost all the little boys clothes in that size.  It has made things so much easier now.  I can finally buy clothes that are actually clothes.  The girls clothes here are all so, fashiony? Faddish?  Well they aren't sensible clothes for sure.  Half of the things I can't figure out to wear.  Another portion I won't wear because I am not a 'ghetto queen' or 'shawty' or 'bootylicious'.  Get the idea of what I'm working with?  There is like one-fifth of the actual marketed items here that I'll buy. When that is out of only a hundred or so choices, things aren't looking so hot.

Lesson for today, keep your mind open and explore all your choices.  The most surprising one will turn out to fit you just right. ;)

Things are pretty awesome

I MADE THE FREAKING SPORTER TEAM. AND WHAT. I'm so happy about that :) <3 I know that my best friend would be proud if she could see me shooting. 

Oh, and by the way, the sporter team is the jv shooting team for my school.

Now, back to that about me and my best friend.  She is so into all the guns and hunting and stuff like that.  And I'm just happy that I can do this and make her happy.  Not to mention that everytime I pull the trigger, I feel so powerful. I love doing it and then checking my score and finding that hole right in the middle of my target. Like a freaking baws.

I also got to go to a big fancy event where there were body guards everywhere and ball gowns and men in uniform (Yummy! ;)  Only I wasn't there as a guest, I was opening doors in uniform for all the important people that were actually invited.  I did get a special coin and credit for the event, so I'm happy. 

A couple weekends ago I also went to this really big indoor amusement park and did this thing where I got harnessed up and walked on some logs that were three stories in the air. :) From the group I went with, two girls and two guys went up together to do it, only me and one guy actually did it.  And vertical slides are fun, but oh so freaking scary. I jammed my shoulder a bunch on it XD  What else?

OH. The lesson! duh. Well we were at the park place cause one of the girls I know here is leaving. Well she is already gone now, but anyway. While we were there (Side note: We are in Europe so things are different) we started talking and playing spin the bottle with my apfel schorle //look it up// bottle.  Then the girl who was leaving busted out and just goes, "It smells like sweat and shame up here." Yup. That is about right. Teenagers do indeed smell of sweat and shame. For good reason mind you!  So be good little chicks, or else you too shall regain your smell of sweat and shame. 

Aww, I miss you guys!

So it should go without saying, that when a team practices five days out of a seven day week, they're gonna get pretty close and develop inside jokes and signature lines/roles for each other.  Me having to move, totally ripped all that stuff away from me. I was practicing with my new team though, and something randomly happened that made me laugh and tear up and almost had to walk away.  One of the guys that taught us at my last school had this phrase he'd say all the time to get us to do it again.  He'd call out, "One mo' 'gain! Come on guys, one mo' 'gain and we're done!" And such like that. Yesterday, one of the guys here did that. I really don't know how to describe what went through my head after that.

I know that after he busted out with that I was teary eyed.  I wanted even more to do well and make the guy who used to say it proud.  He taught me so well and its kinda like having him with me again. That would be amazing. I just kinda went numb after that.  My saber didn't hurt to hold up, all more soreness from the gym just kinda went away, my ankles weren't stiff from standing still anymore.  I didn't feel anything really.  It was just an overload hearing that one phrase. To make it mean a little bit more to me, I had never said anything about the guy at my last school saying it.  This guy just said the same thing that my last guy said, and it was totally unprompted.

Lesson?  You never know when your past will come back to you.  It will come up and help you in the most random times.  And it makes you remember why you're doing what you do, and who you do it for.

I'm learning more and more that my last school was so much better than I ever gave it credit for.  I'll never stop using the lessons I learned there. It was a school for character and personality, but not necessarily academics.  Thats okay with me though.


Bye my little chickies!

Internet, sometimes I loathe you.

I know that I'm going to get crap from all of my instructors, but I'm okay with that. I procrastinated and that is bad. I didn't do what I should have, and I know that. I'm just mad that I didn't make myself do right. I'm mad that I let myself go so badly. It was the holidays and all, but I didn't do a damn thing. That is bad. I'm going to go to sleep now and pick myself up by my bootstraps when I get up tomorrow. I'm gonna do as I should and stop screwing up.

Little chickies, just do what you should.  You know what it is, just do it and get it over with, like ripping off a bandaide. Just hurry up and do it.