All aboard the strugglebus!

So my first semester here is about to come to a close. I am DEFINITELY not a model midshipman. As Captain Plumb said "I'm in the half of the class that makes the top half possible."  And not only that, but I'm having problems outside of class. I just can't wrap my head around some things asked of us. 

Like next semester all the plebes have to take swimming.  That's gonna be a little hard since I can't swim, and somewhere along the way I've developed this paralyzing fear of water.  Yeah, I know. I joined the navy. Get over it. I've heard every joke you could imagine. I'm really getting tired of those jokes. It's a serious problem that is really starting to drag on me. I know its stupid as all get out, and that I'm going to fail, but AH. I freeze. And then I just can't. I don't know what's wrong. 

The best way I can think of to describe what's going on in me right now is this. When you undergo military training part of what they do is rip you down so you meet with your personal rock bottom.  They want you to bottom out in a safe situation so that your bottom moves and you'll handle more.  But they don't tell you about the next phase. They claim to build you back up, but they don't. They leave it to you to build yourself up. Which is great, but when you've never been a person before, its hard. I'm sure its no easier for someone who enlists either, but please keep in mind that this is my personal experience.  I'll admit, I wasn't a full fledged adult before. And I'm not now, but they're expecting me to behave and have all the knowledge I'd have if I was. It's not really a set up that allows us to succeed.  Yet an overwhelming number of us do awesome. Which is a great big kudos to them! I know it's not impossible, but hell, I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't even know if I can do this.  I'm just sort of stumbling along. Everything is so regimented that you never really have time for a mental breakdown. When we have our few breaks, then everything sets in. You really have no idea what's going on. There has been an irreparable divider driven between you and everything you've left behind. I'm really lucky in that my family is very military and so the divide isn't too bad for me, but it's still there. 

I feel like I'm just a shell of a person going through the motions. Which is ridiculous because I'm so fortunate. I'm lucky as hell. I have what should be 4500 of my closest friends in the same building as me. But they honestly are kind of awful. I was appalled to see what the other midshipmen said to and about the cadets from west point, and vice versa.  Yeah, the Army-Navy game is AWESOME and I love having that to hold over my boyfriend, but good grief.  We all have the same end goal! We just go about it in very different ways.  And the more you break down relationships, the better the rivalry is.  Like almost all of us midshipmen have friends, very close friends, at west point, and of course vice versa.  However, those same people are some of the vilest supporters of the awful side of the rivalry. Come on guys, we are all we have. Nobody else is going to get what we do better than those guys.  Just stop. They'll be your best fricking friends if you'd just shut up and stop being a little baby!

Christmas, ah that sweet sweet light at the end of the tunnel.  The only thing standing between me and the plane ride back to Germany are three finals.  Great. I have a final the morning I fly out, and I'm not looking forward to that at all. It would be my luck that it's what will most definitely be the worst and yet most important test of the semester. Yay me... I can't wait to get back to Germany.  I'm looking forward to seeing my family, my boyfriend, and that glorious country one more time with them all. After this everyone moves back to the United States, so if I go I gotta get myself there on my own time. That's gonna be a sad day.  I love Germany so much. I'm really ridiculously excited to be going back. I can hear the markets! Smell the gluehwein! Smell the schuempfnuedel! 

So chickadees, appreciate your family. Be good to everyone. And have a good rest of the semester (if anyone else is even still in session...)

Long time, big change

So I guess I'll come back to this. You know when sometimes you just feel like you need to come back to something. Even if its futile, well that's this.  I always seem to end up back here after a pivotal change.  Recently I've undergone quite the transition. And it wasn't even that recent honestly.  The last six months have been some of the craziest in my life.  I've become a Midshipman at the United States Naval Academy.  There's so much to say about this place that I'll have material for plenty of posts.  Though there's no telling when I'll find time again to post something or another.  But I have time for now.

Look at me!

This place is really crazy you know.  Things are so different from before.  I sorely miss the way things used to be, but I know this is good.  This is one of those exercises in delayed gratification.  The delay on this is quite defined though... 

To say that I've changed a little is an understatement.  I've moved different countries, joined the military, met a whole new group of people, reunited with people I never expected to see again, found amazing new people I never would have otherwise met, learned insane things, gotten so much leaner and fitter than I ever could have managed on my own, and so much more.  Not to even start on the classes and everything.  There's so much here.  I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to have my ass royally kicked by this institution.  I'm fully aware that it's by no means perfect, but hey, its the Academy.  What is there to say? I paid too much for this? Well, no. I didn't pay anything yet.  I didn't ask for this? Well, actually I did.  I raised my hand and took that oath of my own free will.  And yeah I know some upperclass or salty alumni is going to read this and have a cynical view like oh you naive little plebe. But go ahead.  Someone has to still love this place and put their heart into if they won't. 

So now that I've satisfied that little rant, have fun Chickadees.  It's wine Wednesday after all! 

Maybe...

Recently I've sort of wanted to just stop. I'm already tired of jumping through everyone else's hoops so that I can check little boxes so that I can benefit myself later on. Well right now it doesn't feel like it's doing any good. It feels like I'm gonna waste away my youth on miserable pursuits to please everyone else. While what I want for me falls flat on the ground. I do want what I want, but I can't do everything expected of me. I just can't I'm afraid I'm going to go bloody bonkers trying. 

And I'm so tired of people thinking that when I get frustrated for being second guessed it's immediately because I'm gonna use the female thing. NO. First off, don't second guess me for being a female and there won't be a problem. BUT. If you do second guess me and it's not cause I'm a female, I might actually be able to respect that. If you saw me falter and use that to wonder at my abilities, fair enough. But if you just judge me before seeing my skills, then poo on you. That is when I'll get mad. If you do the same thing to others, so what. I'll get mad on their behalf too. You're obviously a shit leader.

OHHHH. LEADERS. THEY INFURIATE ME SO. That's a rant for another night. But I've got quite the mouthful on that. 

Meanwhile, today one of my marksmanship teams competed and we won, like we always do. Our pack leader faltered, but so did I. Our third shot up to the top. Our second, me, dropped to four. Our six came up to two. We were all wonky. But it's okay. After all the strings pulled to get me to shoot this weekend, I can live with that kind of score. I messed up, and that's okay. I'm happy with me for once. So I don't mind this slip as bad as I do some. I'm okay with me. 

You know, as I type that it feels really good. I'm okay with me. I'm happy with what I did. Well not exactly happy... But I can live with it and not hate myself. That's a nice day. 

Chickies, don't let others choose your path. It's yours and ONLY yours. Your family, bloody, friends, Sig. O., teachers and whoever else doesn't chose for you. That's yours. And baby if you don't take your chance you're a damn fool. 

Gloom, despair,and agony oh me!

I'm not gonna ramble forever even though I really want to because it's so late here where I am and I have class tomorrow. Finals are tomorrow and I really don't want to deal with this shit on top of all of the other paper work that is being asked of me since I'm on my way into the military. (If I'm lucky!) But I suppose tonight I'm being reminded of how important it is to not put off until tomorrow those things which you can do today. I've done that for quite a while and now I'm scrambling. Like I do toward the end of every term. Because I'm apparently quite stupid and never learn. Sounds about right.

Fly straight my little chickies and don't procrastinate!

Scrambled.

So here I go once again on and on. Though it's been like what, a year or some since I said something? Yeah I know I'm another one of those wanna-be's clogging up the internet with crap blogs. Oh well. Deal with it. Moving between stages in life seems to be a huge mother freaking hurdle. And I don't even know why. I have this thing where I WANT and NEED to understand what's going on. I hate not knowing. So this, this stuff is horrible for me of all people. 

I hate this stress. It feels like everyone wants everything at once. I have just shut down. I really do not care about much anymore. Which is really bad. But if I keep caring, then I get more stressed. and it all compounds into this big horrible cycle of headaches, me losing and gaining weight in this really unhealthy yo-yo cycle. It's terrible. Yet I watch my peers run around and have the greatest times. They're out all the time with friends, getting more and better awards than I , getting better class placement, more scholarship money, better scores, and more approval. I don't understand how it's possible. Part of this relates back to my post a couple years back about wishing that for once true goodness would win out. I am realizing more and more how strongly I actually feel about that. 

Even more than hating this stress, I hate that I can't get myself to handle it any better. I've lost so much weight this time that I'm down to a size zero. That's not good. I'm not built to be a size zero. I'm starting to have that too skinny look that girls on TV have. I'm trying to just eat healthy and normal, not binge eating to gain or dieting to lose, but I keep dropping. I work out and run and lift and compensate for those burnt calories. Yet nothing is working. I've got to go to a military ball again soon, and if I have to go looking like I have an eating disorder, I'm gonna be a little upset. I like me when I'm my normal size. I like me at my standard 2/4 sometimes 6 range. I'm not big. I'm not skinny either. I'm (usually...) healthy, strong, and comfortable in my own skin. 

Though to pull a lesson out of that, more girls should be happy in their own skin. It saddens (and also slightly sickens) me to walk into the bathrooms and hear girls throwing up all the time. Europe seems to make girls who are otherwise completely comfortable suddenly turn so vain and self conscious. Bitch, if you are a size 22 you are still a beautiful soul. There will always be someone who finds you absolutely stunning. The people who know, love, and care about you will see the beauty shining out of you as long as you are a good person. They will love you even more for your little quirks and things that make you, you. Being a size zero does not make you pretty. That makes you the size of the average fourteen year old. And there are some grown women naturally that size. Great for them! They're beautiful too. But if you're not naturally that size, then so what?! A thigh gap, collar bones, and tan doesn't automatically give you beauty either. NO NO NO. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Every girl is beautiful at their natural size. Every girl deserves to be happy and comfortable in their own skin. Every girl deserves that guy who finds them beautiful every moment of every day. And no girl deserves ANYBODY who makes them not like something about themselves. 

“A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”  -Roald Dahl

If you don't believe me, take it from him. He was a brilliant man. More brilliant than I ever hope to be.