Scrambled.

So here I go once again on and on. Though it's been like what, a year or some since I said something? Yeah I know I'm another one of those wanna-be's clogging up the internet with crap blogs. Oh well. Deal with it. Moving between stages in life seems to be a huge mother freaking hurdle. And I don't even know why. I have this thing where I WANT and NEED to understand what's going on. I hate not knowing. So this, this stuff is horrible for me of all people. 

I hate this stress. It feels like everyone wants everything at once. I have just shut down. I really do not care about much anymore. Which is really bad. But if I keep caring, then I get more stressed. and it all compounds into this big horrible cycle of headaches, me losing and gaining weight in this really unhealthy yo-yo cycle. It's terrible. Yet I watch my peers run around and have the greatest times. They're out all the time with friends, getting more and better awards than I , getting better class placement, more scholarship money, better scores, and more approval. I don't understand how it's possible. Part of this relates back to my post a couple years back about wishing that for once true goodness would win out. I am realizing more and more how strongly I actually feel about that. 

Even more than hating this stress, I hate that I can't get myself to handle it any better. I've lost so much weight this time that I'm down to a size zero. That's not good. I'm not built to be a size zero. I'm starting to have that too skinny look that girls on TV have. I'm trying to just eat healthy and normal, not binge eating to gain or dieting to lose, but I keep dropping. I work out and run and lift and compensate for those burnt calories. Yet nothing is working. I've got to go to a military ball again soon, and if I have to go looking like I have an eating disorder, I'm gonna be a little upset. I like me when I'm my normal size. I like me at my standard 2/4 sometimes 6 range. I'm not big. I'm not skinny either. I'm (usually...) healthy, strong, and comfortable in my own skin. 

Though to pull a lesson out of that, more girls should be happy in their own skin. It saddens (and also slightly sickens) me to walk into the bathrooms and hear girls throwing up all the time. Europe seems to make girls who are otherwise completely comfortable suddenly turn so vain and self conscious. Bitch, if you are a size 22 you are still a beautiful soul. There will always be someone who finds you absolutely stunning. The people who know, love, and care about you will see the beauty shining out of you as long as you are a good person. They will love you even more for your little quirks and things that make you, you. Being a size zero does not make you pretty. That makes you the size of the average fourteen year old. And there are some grown women naturally that size. Great for them! They're beautiful too. But if you're not naturally that size, then so what?! A thigh gap, collar bones, and tan doesn't automatically give you beauty either. NO NO NO. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Every girl is beautiful at their natural size. Every girl deserves to be happy and comfortable in their own skin. Every girl deserves that guy who finds them beautiful every moment of every day. And no girl deserves ANYBODY who makes them not like something about themselves. 

“A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”  -Roald Dahl

If you don't believe me, take it from him. He was a brilliant man. More brilliant than I ever hope to be.