So here I am. Sitting around, studying, procrastinating, and thinking. I'm biding my time until finals come around and I can finish this semester. Watching things play out around me is really so much more entertaining the older I get. There just seems to be more. While youthful play is adorable and complex, most especially in their mimicry of the adult world, there are so many more facets to actually being an adult than little kids are aware of. Yesterday I watched a bunch of 21-26 year olds flounder about trying to figure out how to take care of a house hold goods shipment to where ever they are moving to after graduation. While I'm not saying that I'd know how to take care of it, lord knows that I don't, that is still an example of something a kid wouldn't even think of emulating.
In a few weeks I'm going to a wedding. At this wedding I'll know a grand total of three people. And yet I'm going traipsing up to Baltimore in my uniform with my little anchors and I'm gonna play nice and try and make everyone like me. This is really a terrifying thought. How do guys deal with all this?! This wedding is for my boyfriend's cousin and her soon to be husband. For me though, this is where I get to meet a bunch of my boyfriend's family and see what they think of me. I feel like I'm approaching the executioners block. This wedding going over well is really important to me. I know he's going to play it off like it doesn't really matter so much, because it probably doesn't, but it means a lot to me. I really want his family to like me. I've met one of his cousins, an uncle, and his parents, and they all liked me well enough. His cousin talks to me more than my own do! But I digress, this is intimidating. His family will not dictate what happens in our relationship, but it would certainly make things a hell of a lot easier down the road. This summer I'll get to see him for a wonderful four days. And those four days aren't even in succession. I see him for two days in June, and then two more days at the end of July. That adds a whole new level of pressure on the wedding because I don't want one of our few interactions this summer to be full of tension between me and his family. I just really hope they can see how much I want to play nice with all of them. The fact I want to play nice is incredible really...
In the middle of me freaking out about this wedding with my boyfriend, the rumor mill has been churning out information at full speed. Apparently I'm dating a second class, while I'm fucking a youngster who is roommates with one of my good friends. Well then, I'd like to know when I have time for all this? Three males at one time? PSH. No girl has time to pet that many egos... I've been telling my boyfriend about this and he laughs each time. I do feel bad telling him about what people say, but I do think that he needs to know about it. If I were to hide it, then I'd feel like I was doing something wrong in that. I honestly don't know how to resolve that situation but to be brutally honest and be like, oh hey look, apparently I'm getting more action than I realized. Can someone tell me when that happened so I know who I'm servicing when? Or something like that. I mean really, how else are we supposed to deal with it? To just get mad and say it isn't true would make people even more suspicious of me and try and read into everything I do for some sort of falsehood or misstep.
The youngster though I do feel bad for. I actually quite liked spending time with him, not fucking. That hasn't happened. Just for the record. It's a totally platonic friendship. I give him crap for getting distracted and having perpetually sad eyes while he teases me for being the size of a dragonfly and having a sad smile. He's doing a semester abroad next semester though. He leaves for that in roughly five weeks. Now this guy does need a little bit of back story. He and I are what you'd call a third culture kid (Look at this, it really explains a lot of our backgrounds without being too invasive. Or even really specific in any way.) One of the things I've observed third culture kids doing repeatedly, and subconsciously, is that when our little alarm inside goes off saying oh we're moving again we/they withdraw from everyone except the closest little shell of friends and relatives. Usually leaving them with a total of four or five -ish people to interact with in any sort of affectionate/close/friendly way. Then there's one last good day. Where things are great and everyone acts like everything is normal. And for the outside world it is. But the TCK knows what's going on. The TCK knows that this is all false. That everything is about to change and the world is going to shift once again in what is really just a succession of shifts. Then it comes. Then there's the divide. Which in this case will be when he leaves. When he comes back, this whole process is going to be in reverse. Which also isn't the best situation. But to wrap that around to how this relates to me and him, the fact that he understood where I was coming from made me just really freaking happy. This place is actually unusually homogeneous. I say oh I'm from Germany and everyone flips a shit. Then there's all the questions. Not with him. It's just face value. Oh okay I see, hey you see this shit? That dude just went flying off a ghetto slip and slide. End of story! So yeah, I'm gonna miss that a bit. But now because everyone is all like oh look at those two hurr da durr he's withdrawing faster than before. So I suppose this is goodbye for now. Between us at least.
There's still some time before the end of the semester, but dang. Where did it all go...
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
All aboard the strugglebus!
So my first semester here is about to come to a close. I am DEFINITELY not a model midshipman. As Captain Plumb said "I'm in the half of the class that makes the top half possible." And not only that, but I'm having problems outside of class. I just can't wrap my head around some things asked of us.
Like next semester all the plebes have to take swimming. That's gonna be a little hard since I can't swim, and somewhere along the way I've developed this paralyzing fear of water. Yeah, I know. I joined the navy. Get over it. I've heard every joke you could imagine. I'm really getting tired of those jokes. It's a serious problem that is really starting to drag on me. I know its stupid as all get out, and that I'm going to fail, but AH. I freeze. And then I just can't. I don't know what's wrong.
The best way I can think of to describe what's going on in me right now is this. When you undergo military training part of what they do is rip you down so you meet with your personal rock bottom. They want you to bottom out in a safe situation so that your bottom moves and you'll handle more. But they don't tell you about the next phase. They claim to build you back up, but they don't. They leave it to you to build yourself up. Which is great, but when you've never been a person before, its hard. I'm sure its no easier for someone who enlists either, but please keep in mind that this is my personal experience. I'll admit, I wasn't a full fledged adult before. And I'm not now, but they're expecting me to behave and have all the knowledge I'd have if I was. It's not really a set up that allows us to succeed. Yet an overwhelming number of us do awesome. Which is a great big kudos to them! I know it's not impossible, but hell, I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't even know if I can do this. I'm just sort of stumbling along. Everything is so regimented that you never really have time for a mental breakdown. When we have our few breaks, then everything sets in. You really have no idea what's going on. There has been an irreparable divider driven between you and everything you've left behind. I'm really lucky in that my family is very military and so the divide isn't too bad for me, but it's still there.
I feel like I'm just a shell of a person going through the motions. Which is ridiculous because I'm so fortunate. I'm lucky as hell. I have what should be 4500 of my closest friends in the same building as me. But they honestly are kind of awful. I was appalled to see what the other midshipmen said to and about the cadets from west point, and vice versa. Yeah, the Army-Navy game is AWESOME and I love having that to hold over my boyfriend, but good grief. We all have the same end goal! We just go about it in very different ways. And the more you break down relationships, the better the rivalry is. Like almost all of us midshipmen have friends, very close friends, at west point, and of course vice versa. However, those same people are some of the vilest supporters of the awful side of the rivalry. Come on guys, we are all we have. Nobody else is going to get what we do better than those guys. Just stop. They'll be your best fricking friends if you'd just shut up and stop being a little baby!
Christmas, ah that sweet sweet light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing standing between me and the plane ride back to Germany are three finals. Great. I have a final the morning I fly out, and I'm not looking forward to that at all. It would be my luck that it's what will most definitely be the worst and yet most important test of the semester. Yay me... I can't wait to get back to Germany. I'm looking forward to seeing my family, my boyfriend, and that glorious country one more time with them all. After this everyone moves back to the United States, so if I go I gotta get myself there on my own time. That's gonna be a sad day. I love Germany so much. I'm really ridiculously excited to be going back. I can hear the markets! Smell the gluehwein! Smell the schuempfnuedel!
So chickadees, appreciate your family. Be good to everyone. And have a good rest of the semester (if anyone else is even still in session...)
Like next semester all the plebes have to take swimming. That's gonna be a little hard since I can't swim, and somewhere along the way I've developed this paralyzing fear of water. Yeah, I know. I joined the navy. Get over it. I've heard every joke you could imagine. I'm really getting tired of those jokes. It's a serious problem that is really starting to drag on me. I know its stupid as all get out, and that I'm going to fail, but AH. I freeze. And then I just can't. I don't know what's wrong.
The best way I can think of to describe what's going on in me right now is this. When you undergo military training part of what they do is rip you down so you meet with your personal rock bottom. They want you to bottom out in a safe situation so that your bottom moves and you'll handle more. But they don't tell you about the next phase. They claim to build you back up, but they don't. They leave it to you to build yourself up. Which is great, but when you've never been a person before, its hard. I'm sure its no easier for someone who enlists either, but please keep in mind that this is my personal experience. I'll admit, I wasn't a full fledged adult before. And I'm not now, but they're expecting me to behave and have all the knowledge I'd have if I was. It's not really a set up that allows us to succeed. Yet an overwhelming number of us do awesome. Which is a great big kudos to them! I know it's not impossible, but hell, I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't even know if I can do this. I'm just sort of stumbling along. Everything is so regimented that you never really have time for a mental breakdown. When we have our few breaks, then everything sets in. You really have no idea what's going on. There has been an irreparable divider driven between you and everything you've left behind. I'm really lucky in that my family is very military and so the divide isn't too bad for me, but it's still there.
I feel like I'm just a shell of a person going through the motions. Which is ridiculous because I'm so fortunate. I'm lucky as hell. I have what should be 4500 of my closest friends in the same building as me. But they honestly are kind of awful. I was appalled to see what the other midshipmen said to and about the cadets from west point, and vice versa. Yeah, the Army-Navy game is AWESOME and I love having that to hold over my boyfriend, but good grief. We all have the same end goal! We just go about it in very different ways. And the more you break down relationships, the better the rivalry is. Like almost all of us midshipmen have friends, very close friends, at west point, and of course vice versa. However, those same people are some of the vilest supporters of the awful side of the rivalry. Come on guys, we are all we have. Nobody else is going to get what we do better than those guys. Just stop. They'll be your best fricking friends if you'd just shut up and stop being a little baby!
Christmas, ah that sweet sweet light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing standing between me and the plane ride back to Germany are three finals. Great. I have a final the morning I fly out, and I'm not looking forward to that at all. It would be my luck that it's what will most definitely be the worst and yet most important test of the semester. Yay me... I can't wait to get back to Germany. I'm looking forward to seeing my family, my boyfriend, and that glorious country one more time with them all. After this everyone moves back to the United States, so if I go I gotta get myself there on my own time. That's gonna be a sad day. I love Germany so much. I'm really ridiculously excited to be going back. I can hear the markets! Smell the gluehwein! Smell the schuempfnuedel!
So chickadees, appreciate your family. Be good to everyone. And have a good rest of the semester (if anyone else is even still in session...)
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Long time, big change
So I guess I'll come back to this. You know when sometimes you just feel like you need to come back to something. Even if its futile, well that's this. I always seem to end up back here after a pivotal change. Recently I've undergone quite the transition. And it wasn't even that recent honestly. The last six months have been some of the craziest in my life. I've become a Midshipman at the United States Naval Academy. There's so much to say about this place that I'll have material for plenty of posts. Though there's no telling when I'll find time again to post something or another. But I have time for now.
Look at me!
This place is really crazy you know. Things are so different from before. I sorely miss the way things used to be, but I know this is good. This is one of those exercises in delayed gratification. The delay on this is quite defined though...
To say that I've changed a little is an understatement. I've moved different countries, joined the military, met a whole new group of people, reunited with people I never expected to see again, found amazing new people I never would have otherwise met, learned insane things, gotten so much leaner and fitter than I ever could have managed on my own, and so much more. Not to even start on the classes and everything. There's so much here. I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to have my ass royally kicked by this institution. I'm fully aware that it's by no means perfect, but hey, its the Academy. What is there to say? I paid too much for this? Well, no. I didn't pay anything yet. I didn't ask for this? Well, actually I did. I raised my hand and took that oath of my own free will. And yeah I know some upperclass or salty alumni is going to read this and have a cynical view like oh you naive little plebe. But go ahead. Someone has to still love this place and put their heart into if they won't.
So now that I've satisfied that little rant, have fun Chickadees. It's wine Wednesday after all!
Look at me!
This place is really crazy you know. Things are so different from before. I sorely miss the way things used to be, but I know this is good. This is one of those exercises in delayed gratification. The delay on this is quite defined though...
To say that I've changed a little is an understatement. I've moved different countries, joined the military, met a whole new group of people, reunited with people I never expected to see again, found amazing new people I never would have otherwise met, learned insane things, gotten so much leaner and fitter than I ever could have managed on my own, and so much more. Not to even start on the classes and everything. There's so much here. I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to have my ass royally kicked by this institution. I'm fully aware that it's by no means perfect, but hey, its the Academy. What is there to say? I paid too much for this? Well, no. I didn't pay anything yet. I didn't ask for this? Well, actually I did. I raised my hand and took that oath of my own free will. And yeah I know some upperclass or salty alumni is going to read this and have a cynical view like oh you naive little plebe. But go ahead. Someone has to still love this place and put their heart into if they won't.
So now that I've satisfied that little rant, have fun Chickadees. It's wine Wednesday after all!
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Maybe...
Recently I've sort of wanted to just stop. I'm already tired of jumping through everyone else's hoops so that I can check little boxes so that I can benefit myself later on. Well right now it doesn't feel like it's doing any good. It feels like I'm gonna waste away my youth on miserable pursuits to please everyone else. While what I want for me falls flat on the ground. I do want what I want, but I can't do everything expected of me. I just can't I'm afraid I'm going to go bloody bonkers trying.
And I'm so tired of people thinking that when I get frustrated for being second guessed it's immediately because I'm gonna use the female thing. NO. First off, don't second guess me for being a female and there won't be a problem. BUT. If you do second guess me and it's not cause I'm a female, I might actually be able to respect that. If you saw me falter and use that to wonder at my abilities, fair enough. But if you just judge me before seeing my skills, then poo on you. That is when I'll get mad. If you do the same thing to others, so what. I'll get mad on their behalf too. You're obviously a shit leader.
OHHHH. LEADERS. THEY INFURIATE ME SO. That's a rant for another night. But I've got quite the mouthful on that.
Meanwhile, today one of my marksmanship teams competed and we won, like we always do. Our pack leader faltered, but so did I. Our third shot up to the top. Our second, me, dropped to four. Our six came up to two. We were all wonky. But it's okay. After all the strings pulled to get me to shoot this weekend, I can live with that kind of score. I messed up, and that's okay. I'm happy with me for once. So I don't mind this slip as bad as I do some. I'm okay with me.
You know, as I type that it feels really good. I'm okay with me. I'm happy with what I did. Well not exactly happy... But I can live with it and not hate myself. That's a nice day.
Chickies, don't let others choose your path. It's yours and ONLY yours. Your family, bloody, friends, Sig. O., teachers and whoever else doesn't chose for you. That's yours. And baby if you don't take your chance you're a damn fool.
And I'm so tired of people thinking that when I get frustrated for being second guessed it's immediately because I'm gonna use the female thing. NO. First off, don't second guess me for being a female and there won't be a problem. BUT. If you do second guess me and it's not cause I'm a female, I might actually be able to respect that. If you saw me falter and use that to wonder at my abilities, fair enough. But if you just judge me before seeing my skills, then poo on you. That is when I'll get mad. If you do the same thing to others, so what. I'll get mad on their behalf too. You're obviously a shit leader.
OHHHH. LEADERS. THEY INFURIATE ME SO. That's a rant for another night. But I've got quite the mouthful on that.
Meanwhile, today one of my marksmanship teams competed and we won, like we always do. Our pack leader faltered, but so did I. Our third shot up to the top. Our second, me, dropped to four. Our six came up to two. We were all wonky. But it's okay. After all the strings pulled to get me to shoot this weekend, I can live with that kind of score. I messed up, and that's okay. I'm happy with me for once. So I don't mind this slip as bad as I do some. I'm okay with me.
You know, as I type that it feels really good. I'm okay with me. I'm happy with what I did. Well not exactly happy... But I can live with it and not hate myself. That's a nice day.
Chickies, don't let others choose your path. It's yours and ONLY yours. Your family, bloody, friends, Sig. O., teachers and whoever else doesn't chose for you. That's yours. And baby if you don't take your chance you're a damn fool.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Gloom, despair,and agony oh me!
I'm not gonna ramble forever even though I really want to because it's so late here where I am and I have class tomorrow. Finals are tomorrow and I really don't want to deal with this shit on top of all of the other paper work that is being asked of me since I'm on my way into the military. (If I'm lucky!) But I suppose tonight I'm being reminded of how important it is to not put off until tomorrow those things which you can do today. I've done that for quite a while and now I'm scrambling. Like I do toward the end of every term. Because I'm apparently quite stupid and never learn. Sounds about right.
Fly straight my little chickies and don't procrastinate!
Fly straight my little chickies and don't procrastinate!
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Scrambled.
So here I go once again on and on. Though it's been like what, a year or some since I said something? Yeah I know I'm another one of those wanna-be's clogging up the internet with crap blogs. Oh well. Deal with it. Moving between stages in life seems to be a huge mother freaking hurdle. And I don't even know why. I have this thing where I WANT and NEED to understand what's going on. I hate not knowing. So this, this stuff is horrible for me of all people.
I hate this stress. It feels like everyone wants everything at once. I have just shut down. I really do not care about much anymore. Which is really bad. But if I keep caring, then I get more stressed. and it all compounds into this big horrible cycle of headaches, me losing and gaining weight in this really unhealthy yo-yo cycle. It's terrible. Yet I watch my peers run around and have the greatest times. They're out all the time with friends, getting more and better awards than I , getting better class placement, more scholarship money, better scores, and more approval. I don't understand how it's possible. Part of this relates back to my post a couple years back about wishing that for once true goodness would win out. I am realizing more and more how strongly I actually feel about that.
Even more than hating this stress, I hate that I can't get myself to handle it any better. I've lost so much weight this time that I'm down to a size zero. That's not good. I'm not built to be a size zero. I'm starting to have that too skinny look that girls on TV have. I'm trying to just eat healthy and normal, not binge eating to gain or dieting to lose, but I keep dropping. I work out and run and lift and compensate for those burnt calories. Yet nothing is working. I've got to go to a military ball again soon, and if I have to go looking like I have an eating disorder, I'm gonna be a little upset. I like me when I'm my normal size. I like me at my standard 2/4 sometimes 6 range. I'm not big. I'm not skinny either. I'm (usually...) healthy, strong, and comfortable in my own skin.
Though to pull a lesson out of that, more girls should be happy in their own skin. It saddens (and also slightly sickens) me to walk into the bathrooms and hear girls throwing up all the time. Europe seems to make girls who are otherwise completely comfortable suddenly turn so vain and self conscious. Bitch, if you are a size 22 you are still a beautiful soul. There will always be someone who finds you absolutely stunning. The people who know, love, and care about you will see the beauty shining out of you as long as you are a good person. They will love you even more for your little quirks and things that make you, you. Being a size zero does not make you pretty. That makes you the size of the average fourteen year old. And there are some grown women naturally that size. Great for them! They're beautiful too. But if you're not naturally that size, then so what?! A thigh gap, collar bones, and tan doesn't automatically give you beauty either. NO NO NO. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Every girl is beautiful at their natural size. Every girl deserves to be happy and comfortable in their own skin. Every girl deserves that guy who finds them beautiful every moment of every day. And no girl deserves ANYBODY who makes them not like something about themselves.
I hate this stress. It feels like everyone wants everything at once. I have just shut down. I really do not care about much anymore. Which is really bad. But if I keep caring, then I get more stressed. and it all compounds into this big horrible cycle of headaches, me losing and gaining weight in this really unhealthy yo-yo cycle. It's terrible. Yet I watch my peers run around and have the greatest times. They're out all the time with friends, getting more and better awards than I , getting better class placement, more scholarship money, better scores, and more approval. I don't understand how it's possible. Part of this relates back to my post a couple years back about wishing that for once true goodness would win out. I am realizing more and more how strongly I actually feel about that.
Even more than hating this stress, I hate that I can't get myself to handle it any better. I've lost so much weight this time that I'm down to a size zero. That's not good. I'm not built to be a size zero. I'm starting to have that too skinny look that girls on TV have. I'm trying to just eat healthy and normal, not binge eating to gain or dieting to lose, but I keep dropping. I work out and run and lift and compensate for those burnt calories. Yet nothing is working. I've got to go to a military ball again soon, and if I have to go looking like I have an eating disorder, I'm gonna be a little upset. I like me when I'm my normal size. I like me at my standard 2/4 sometimes 6 range. I'm not big. I'm not skinny either. I'm (usually...) healthy, strong, and comfortable in my own skin.
Though to pull a lesson out of that, more girls should be happy in their own skin. It saddens (and also slightly sickens) me to walk into the bathrooms and hear girls throwing up all the time. Europe seems to make girls who are otherwise completely comfortable suddenly turn so vain and self conscious. Bitch, if you are a size 22 you are still a beautiful soul. There will always be someone who finds you absolutely stunning. The people who know, love, and care about you will see the beauty shining out of you as long as you are a good person. They will love you even more for your little quirks and things that make you, you. Being a size zero does not make you pretty. That makes you the size of the average fourteen year old. And there are some grown women naturally that size. Great for them! They're beautiful too. But if you're not naturally that size, then so what?! A thigh gap, collar bones, and tan doesn't automatically give you beauty either. NO NO NO. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Every girl is beautiful at their natural size. Every girl deserves to be happy and comfortable in their own skin. Every girl deserves that guy who finds them beautiful every moment of every day. And no girl deserves ANYBODY who makes them not like something about themselves.
“A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” -Roald Dahl
If you don't believe me, take it from him. He was a brilliant man. More brilliant than I ever hope to be.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Stupidity?
Sometimes, I think that stupidity is a desirable trait now. There are so many successful people that ACT so freaking stupid. Just look around. I can guarantee that if you sit outside for any length of time you'll see a stereotypical girl all done up to impress. She'll have that characteristic little smirk and that walk where she wags her butt and sways her hips just because she can. Sounds pretty good? Well just wait until she opens her mouth. "So, like, Canadia and Canada aren't really the same place?" Yep... Greaaaatttt. And it sucks when a normal(ish) girl has to try and compete with that. They have attention, so they are naturally more likely to seem better. More attention= more approval, right?
I hate that train of thought. It is so narrow minded and stupid. Just plain stupid and medieval. I wish that just sometimes, true goodness would win out. I look at the people I'm competing with, and some of them are really horrible. Yet they keep moving upward. And I know for a fact, that some of the best, sweetest, most capable, and willing people are being pushed down to the bottom. I've said in a previous post that I know I appear to be great. I know that the people here don't think as much of me as I'm used to. But thats okay. Now I see how I come across. Now I see that my appearance and actions don't assert power or respect. Its simply because people before knew my story that they respected me. I like that though. Here, I'm learning how to move up and stay detached, which is quite important.
As frustrating as it is to not get things I know I could have had, it makes it much more gratifying to get it after having to earn it a second time. Especially when I get to push one of the bad hearted people out of the way, AND at the same time shake free of the oppresion of a bad leader. Now I can get out of that rut I was in. That wall has been broken down. Now I need to get all my crap together and defend my new spot on the other side. I'm going to wait until I get settled there, and then try and fight my way upward again.
Now though, I need to focus on my shooting. My shooting hasn't improved in the last week. Which is bad. Really bad. I have multiple people nipping at my heels to take my position. I won't make the mistake and assume that my position is secured. I know it's not. It never is. I always have to work and make sure my shots stay right on. ALWAYS. If not, I know I'd let down at least two people. The two most important people in the world. That can't happen. It just can't.
I've babbled again, I'm sorry. XD But now for the lesson. I guess it will be that you should never get to comfortable in your spot. There will always be someone just sitting there waiting for you to fall, so that they can take your spot right out from under you. Don't stop working. If you're the underdog, keep on going and just wait for the person above you to falter. If there is a chance for anyone to improve, take it. If there is a chance to move up, take it. If there is ever an incompetent leader and you have the chance to take their position, take it.
"Take a risk.
Take a chance.
Make a change.
And breakaway!"~~~
--Kelly Clarkson, "Breakaway"
I hate that train of thought. It is so narrow minded and stupid. Just plain stupid and medieval. I wish that just sometimes, true goodness would win out. I look at the people I'm competing with, and some of them are really horrible. Yet they keep moving upward. And I know for a fact, that some of the best, sweetest, most capable, and willing people are being pushed down to the bottom. I've said in a previous post that I know I appear to be great. I know that the people here don't think as much of me as I'm used to. But thats okay. Now I see how I come across. Now I see that my appearance and actions don't assert power or respect. Its simply because people before knew my story that they respected me. I like that though. Here, I'm learning how to move up and stay detached, which is quite important.
As frustrating as it is to not get things I know I could have had, it makes it much more gratifying to get it after having to earn it a second time. Especially when I get to push one of the bad hearted people out of the way, AND at the same time shake free of the oppresion of a bad leader. Now I can get out of that rut I was in. That wall has been broken down. Now I need to get all my crap together and defend my new spot on the other side. I'm going to wait until I get settled there, and then try and fight my way upward again.
Now though, I need to focus on my shooting. My shooting hasn't improved in the last week. Which is bad. Really bad. I have multiple people nipping at my heels to take my position. I won't make the mistake and assume that my position is secured. I know it's not. It never is. I always have to work and make sure my shots stay right on. ALWAYS. If not, I know I'd let down at least two people. The two most important people in the world. That can't happen. It just can't.
I've babbled again, I'm sorry. XD But now for the lesson. I guess it will be that you should never get to comfortable in your spot. There will always be someone just sitting there waiting for you to fall, so that they can take your spot right out from under you. Don't stop working. If you're the underdog, keep on going and just wait for the person above you to falter. If there is a chance for anyone to improve, take it. If there is a chance to move up, take it. If there is ever an incompetent leader and you have the chance to take their position, take it.
"Take a risk.
Take a chance.
Make a change.
And breakaway!"~~~
--Kelly Clarkson, "Breakaway"
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